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Old 08-05-21, 11:06 AM  
kat999
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
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I'm so sorry, Sherry. I echo what others have said that people deal with loss differently, sometimes they do just want to move on or grieve more privately, and again, travel is sometimes a lot to deal with in the best of times.

I think this is a very unusual time, still, and I also think personally that you're doing the right thing to postpone it (again, not trying to get controversial, but just trying to offer support).

Right as the pandemic started, a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and then lost her husband very, very suddenly. She recovered, thankfully, and then they did a memorial that was livestreamed. While that may feel like a poor substitute, it might be another alternative.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that people have made it seem like they don't care. They do, but people are fundamentally a bit thoughtless sometimes. It doesn't mean they don't feel the loss as well.
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Old 08-05-21, 11:08 AM  
Izzy
 
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I am sorry Sherry. This must really hurt. It does seem in the past year and half empathy has just disappeared in our lives. Everyone seems to be so self centered and selfish right now. This summer for me has been so difficult because I feel like I have been punched in the gut by selfish people. Even my siblings had a reunion of sorts and forgot to invite me. Go figure. Stay true to yourself.
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Old 08-05-21, 11:12 AM  
karenl
 
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As a fellow widow I can totally relate to you anger and frustration. People are sooo self centered! They have no clue what it’s like to lose your life partner and have your whole world ripped out from under you!
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Old 08-05-21, 11:16 AM  
karenl
 
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Also, I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Widowland life is hard enough but having to raise a child alone and help them navigate the grieving process is really hard. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 08-05-21, 11:19 AM  
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I’m so sorry Sherry, sending you (((hugs))).
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Old 08-05-21, 11:21 AM  
Pat58
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I'm sorry this is all happening for the special event you had planned.
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Old 08-05-21, 11:42 AM  
Scorpio6
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: St. Louis MO
Sherry, you need to express yourself to these people, but you need to write it out first and sleep on it a couple of nights. I think you expressed yourself beautifully in your original post. You need to be sure it comes out classy, disappointed and hurt. Don't express anger or judgement. Then send the final version of your letters HARD COPY. People have a way of dismissing digital communication. Hard copy is different, it makes more of an impact.

It is astounding that these ppl lead such well-ordered, predictable lives that they would know so far ahead (March 2022) that they can't make it. Go ahead with your Celebration of Life and if these particular ppl don't show up, then cut off contact with them in view of their selfish attitude toward you. If they get their heads out of the sand and notice your lack of contact, tell them exactly why you have cut off contact with them. But also don't be surprised if you never hear a peep out of them regarding your lack of contact after the Celebration of Life.

If they are that into themselves, your letters may be just the wake up call they need, so in a roundabout way, you could be doing them a favor.
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Old 08-05-21, 11:48 AM  
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Sherry, I am so sorry you're dealing with this on top of your deep grief. Sadly it often happens that people (friends, extended family) move on and forget about the person who suffered the loss the most, assuming that time has passed so they're "probably doing better."

Gams, I am also sorry your family did not support you in the loss of your husband. I just don't understand people sometimes.

My mom passed away April 14, 2020 from ALS. We still have not been able to have a service for her and it weighs heavily on me. My mom was an exuberant extrovert teacher who loved deeply and fully, touching everyone she met. She had lifelong connections with kids she had taught or had in daycare and their parents. She also taught at several schools so we anticipated a very large crowd at a memorial service or celebration of life and we didn't want to have to turn anyone away due to crowd restrictions, plus several of us have to travel across country. As so much time has passed I wonder how many will show up when we finally get to have a service for her. I can only hope that any who can't make it for whatever reason have honored and grieved her in their own way. Covid has made grieving especially hard, taking away the physical presence of so many who would have supported us otherwise.
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Old 08-05-21, 11:55 AM  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vantreesta View Post
Sherry, I am so sorry you're dealing with this on top of your deep grief. Sadly it often happens that people (friends, extended family) move on and forget about the person who suffered the loss the most, assuming that time has passed so they're "probably doing better."

Gams, I am also sorry your family did not support you in the loss of your husband. I just don't understand people sometimes.

My mom passed away April 14, 2020 from ALS. We still have not been able to have a service for her and it weighs heavily on me. My mom was an exuberant extrovert teacher who loved deeply and fully, touching everyone she met. She had lifelong connections with kids she had taught or had in daycare and their parents. She also taught at several schools so we anticipated a very large crowd at a memorial service or celebration of life and we didn't want to have to turn anyone away due to crowd restrictions, plus several of us have to travel across country. As so much time has passed I wonder how many will show up when we finally get to have a service for her. I can only hope that any who can't make it for whatever reason have honored and grieved her in their own way. Covid has made grieving especially hard, taking away the physical presence of so many who would have supported us otherwise.
Vantreesta, your mom sounds a lot like mine. She took care of kids her whole life, and then when those kids grew up and had kids of their own, she took care of them too. She was Grandma to a lot of people! I would think that people would be expecting more delayed services these days, but I know how you feel about the time passing and knowing how many people will show up. I also, like you, hoped that those who couldn't make it were able to grieve in their own way.
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Old 08-05-21, 11:58 AM  
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I can relate to your struggles.

The only thing I can do is try to remember that people grieve in different ways, both in how they express it, and how much time they give it. People are also typically reluctant to express the more complex feelings they may have, so it's hard to interpret their actions in meaningful context.

My father died almost three years ago, and back then, I was so stunned at his sudden absence that I really could barely function for a long, long time. Sure, some of it was likely depression and anxiety, but another part was just that I'd shared my life with him for so long I could hardly imagine how to move through my days without our connection, our mutual goals and mundane routines. My life was all about what WE did, and what I did for him. Losing him, I lost a huge chunk of my sense of self. That was a huge jolt to my system, and figuring out how to find my own way of daily life has been a series of fits and starts. Most days I go through the motions because I know the various bits add up to something helpful and supportive, but it doesn't quite feel like my own life all the time. Learning to let go of that old sense of purpose and pick up a new one is a huge struggle for me. Still very much a work in progress.

Another thing I've noticed about other people is that beyond a certain point, they're just ready to move on and simply don't cope well with memorials. Travel is also a huge deal for some people.

This present situation in the world is hardly typical, and in some ways I'm beyond stunned at the depths of the loss I sometimes feel. My general hope is that in some way we all learn to share each other's grief with a new appreciation of the fragility of life and the oh, so brief time we are able to meaningfully connect with others in this life.

Peace to you,
Oh Sherry, I'm so sorry!! I am sure this makes it even harder because know that this isn't the first, or the last, of disappointments in people you have faced or will face as you mourn Frank.

I am glad you are venting and also glad to see the excellent comments posted (like Anna's above).

The stories you have shared of Frank lead me to believe that he would be urging you on, in spite of it all. You were blessed to share that sweet light and life I wish we all could know...if only for a moment. When you have that celebration, it will be wonderful because of WHO you are celebrating
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