Off-Topic Anniversary etiquette

[bee]

It seems really odd that you weren't invited, but.... a 50th wedding anniversary is such a big deal -- I would definitely send a card -- it's definitely an occasion to congratulate and acknowledge.

[cfwb]

My parents' 50th is coming up in a few years, and the one thing they want is for all of their kids and grandkids to be together in one place at the same time (since we live all around the world, this is a big request in itself). No friends or siblings or cousins or nieces and nephews. So maybe the honorees have a specific idea of the type of celebration they want.

[Juliepie]

Originally Posted by Eibhinn

My partner and I have been looking ahead for awhile now trying to figure out how we're going to handle our parents' 50th anniversaries. We want to throw a party, but here's the thing: my parents and his parents were married on the same day (pretty much simultaneously, on churches at opposite ends of the same block!). The most obvious, convenient solution is to throw them a party together. But they aren't friends, and our families are very different (partner's parents are extremely religious and quiet and serious and mine are extremely not religious, loud and love to dance and tell funny stories). So we just keep wondering how we'll handle it. Best case scenario their anniversary falls on a Sunday, so we throw a party for my (non-religious) parents actually on their anniversary, and for my partner's (Christian) parents the day before. Oy.

I'm sure his parents are thrilled that you two are (I'm assuming) not married...

[Eibhinn]

Originally Posted by Juliepie

I'm sure his parents are thrilled that you two are (I'm assuming) not married...

Yeah, they struggled with that one for quite a long time (we've been together almost 15 years). Eventually they decided that there isn't actually a biblical precedent for the modern form of legal marriage. That is, marriage was historically measured more in terms of a conscious and durable, life-long commitment between two people, rather than a legal contract. And they said that it's obvious that's what we have, so they consider us to be married in biblical terms. I have no idea what the bible actually says about the matter it's not something that ever mattered to me, but I was pretty touched that they made the effort to reconcile our relationship to their beliefs. And it was nice to see they felt the same way about our relationship as we did - we just never felt the need to legally formalize something that we felt was already obvious.

[Juliepie]

Originally Posted by Eibhinn

Yeah, they struggled with that one for quite a long time (we've been together almost 15 years). Eventually they decided that there isn't actually a biblical precedent for the modern form of legal marriage. That is, marriage was historically measured more in terms of a conscious and durable, life-long commitment between two people, rather than a legal contract. And they said that it's obvious that's what we have, so they consider us to be married in biblical terms. I have no idea what the bible actually says about the matter it's not something that ever mattered to me, but I was pretty touched that they made the effort to reconcile our relationship to their beliefs. And it was nice to see they felt the same way about our relationship as we did - we just never felt the need to legally formalize something that we felt was already obvious.

I meant to add "married...on paper."

That's wonderful that your in-laws-so-to-speak are so understanding! I guess they know that the institution of marriage (in whatever form it takes) did not originate with Christianity. Good on you all!

[shoegoddess]

I'm old school. I would mail them an anniversary card. Just because you were not invited to the event doesn't mean you should not acknowledge their happy occasion. Especially if these are people you know and have had many interactions with

[LynnO]

Ebhinn, that sounds like a wonderful idea. In-laws on Saturday, your parents on Sunday. Or brunch and church with his parents (not sure if you attending might make them extra happy or whether they wouldn't appreciate it if you don't share their beliefs), and then dinner and a party with yours. Exhausting, but doable.

[wishiwasinhawaii]

Originally Posted by shoegoddess

I'm old school. I would mail them an anniversary card. Just because you were not invited to the event doesn't mean you should not acknowledge their happy occasion. Especially if these are people you know and have had many interactions with

Thanks. I still haven't done anything because I've been very torn between feeling left out/hurt and thinking I should at least send a card. The party has already happened and I thought maybe it's too late to send a card, but I'm leaning toward buying a card tomorrow for the reasons you stated. I have had many interactions with them and we usually spend major holidays together so I'm just going to assume I wasn't invited because they wanted to keep it small and just close family and leave it at that. Thanks again to everyone who responded. It was very helpful to read how others would handle this.

[Chomper]

Originally Posted by wishiwasinhawaii

Thanks. I still haven't done anything because I've been very torn between feeling left out/hurt and thinking I should at least send a card. The party has already happened and I thought maybe it's too late to send a card, but I'm leaning toward buying a card tomorrow for the reasons you stated. I have had many interactions with them and we usually spend major holidays together so I'm just going to assume I wasn't invited because they wanted to keep it small and just close family and leave it at that. Thanks again to everyone who responded. It was very helpful to read how others would handle this.

Honestly, the worst thing you can do is make this about yourself. This probably had nothing to do with whether they like you or not. For all you know, one of them has been really sick and they decided to be really low key this year. Or a bunch of relatives were in town they rarely get to see. Just let it go and refocus on the fact that you like them.

[wishiwasinhawaii]

Originally Posted by Chomper

Honestly, the worst thing you can do is make this about yourself. This probably had nothing to do with whether they like you or not. For all you know, one of them has been really sick and they decided to be really low key this year. Or a bunch of relatives were in town they rarely get to see. Just let it go and refocus on the fact that you like them.

Your post was a real wakeup call for me. Seriously, I hadn't even realized I was making this about ME, but I was. You're absolutely right that they might not have invited me for reasons that had nothing to do with me. Not sure why I've been so quick to take it personally, but thanks for giving me a kick in the pants! I'm going to go out tonight, get a card and mail it tomorrow and then put all this behind me. Thanks!