Off-Topic Anniversary etiquette

[bzar]

it wouldn't hurt to pose the question quietly to someone who would know.

a similar thing happened with a surprise birthday party for my MIL.

we were at a wedding last January, and DH's sister sent invites the month before for MIL's surprise birthday party in March.

during the wedding, DH's male cousin goes up to MIL and asks (nicely) "why weren't we invited to your birthday?"

DH's cousin and his family are always/usually invited, so it wasn't intentional.

DH's sister was really stressed and just totally forgot. driving home from the wedding, I told DH "cousin should have quietly asked you or your sister that question, not your mom!" and I said "I bet your sister wants to strangle cousin."

[Joni O]

A party at a restaurant can place any number of limitations on a guest list, including space and cost. Perhaps they need to limit the guest list to more immediate family. They may feel as awkward not inviting you as you feel not being invited. I wouldn't assume that they necessarily forgot to invite you, but you never know. Perhaps mention to your SIL how happy you are for them and that you're sure they'll enjoy their party. That will open the door for her to comment - or not.

[Cybersparkle]

I echo everyone that says it might be a mistake. Before I jump to conclusions, I would find out if it could be a genuine mistake & then decide what to do from there.

Good luck, hope it all works out

[Nuggie's Auntie]

Originally Posted by PrairieGem

...And in an embarrassing situation similar to Dana's, my husband and I totally forgot to invite one of his first cousins to our wedding. No one ever mentioned it to us until well after the fact. I didn't know the man, but I was mortified, and I wondered why someone didn't speak up about it! Obviously they wouldn't ask me (they didn't know me), but I wish someone would have whispered something to my MIL, for instance. Since we had invited his brother and all his sisters, it ought to have been clear it was an oversight (and mail DOES get misdelivered), and not simply a matter of budget or some mysterious random dislike we had taken to this person. But no one ever did speak up, and to this day I'm sure we're talked about for it!

Oh dear! Well, these sorts of things happen, and can happen very easily given the stress of weddings!

In general, we all need to have grace for one another, which is at the heart of good manners, not obligation.

[Buzzer]

I had several invitations to my wedding that I mailed but didn't get to their destination. My MIL actually called my DH and guilt tripped him! He called me and said "why didn't we invite my Mom????" I said "We did!" I was angry she actually thought she had not been invited and totally rolled my eyes.
I didn't get some responses to our invite, but just figured that was normal. His Mom was pretty drama, so I figured she misplaced it or something.

After we were married, i was talking to a good friend of mine who commented she wish she had been invited. I did invite her!! It still bugs me. I thought she just didn't respond. Those are the only two that I know of, but it does happen!

I wish my friend would have said something to me before our wedding, however if I were in her position, I probably wouldn't have said anything. Maybe next time you see them, just say "Happy Anniversary, I hear the big 50 year is coming up!" and see if they say anything like "are you coming?"

There may be a reason you weren't invited, but it may also have been something else!

[wishiwasinhawaii]

Originally Posted by Joni O

A party at a restaurant can place any number of limitations on a guest list, including space and cost. Perhaps they need to limit the guest list to more immediate family. They may feel as awkward not inviting you as you feel not being invited. I wouldn't assume that they necessarily forgot to invite you, but you never know. Perhaps mention to your SIL how happy you are for them and that you're sure they'll enjoy their party. That will open the door for her to comment - or not.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I did check with my brother and he told me it was not a mistake and I wasn't invited, although he doesn't know why. These people are his in-laws so I don't think he feels comfortable asking and I understand that. I think it's possible what Joni O said is what happened (space/cost limitations). They have a large immediate family and since I am not a blood relative, that could be why I wasn't invited. If I see my SIL today, I'll do what Joni O said above and see what response I get (the party is later today).

It's always awkward when these kinds of things happen. I honestly didn't care to go anyway, but there's just something about not being invited that is a bit hurtful. If that makes any sense!

[maitai]

Originally Posted by Chomper

No obligation whatsoever. If you see them in person, wish them a happy anniversary, that's it.

I'm an old Miss Manners junkie, so you can take my opinion as one informed by the old conventional rules.

ETA: if you normally send a card and want to send a card, send a card! But don't feel like you have to or aren't allowed to. Just do what you want.

WOW! You are awesome! Great Reply

[videofit]

Originally Posted by Buzzer

I didn't get some responses to our invite, but just figured that was normal. His Mom was pretty drama, so I figured she misplaced it or something.

After we were married, i was talking to a good friend of mine who commented she wish she had been invited. I did invite her!!

For a large event you always have a good reason to follow up: "We need a final headcount for the caterer."

[Nuggie's Auntie]

We 'forgot' to invite one of my brothers to our rehearsal dinner. I say 'forgot' because it was my in-laws' event and they really should have done the inviting, but my FIL didn't think invitations were necessary and expected everyone to just figure it out or find out by word-of-mouth. I love my in-laws, but this irked me! People need to be invited! Anyway, my brother called me a few days before the wedding and asked in a very winsome way whether or not there were any pre-wedding events at which he would be expected! This things happen, and it's nice when people can just laugh it off!

[Eibhinn]

Etiquette can be so tough sometimes. It looks like this problem has been more or less sorted, so perhaps I'll pose an anniversary etiquette question of my own:

My partner and I have been looking ahead for awhile now trying to figure out how we're going to handle our parents' 50th anniversaries. We want to throw a party, but here's the thing: my parents and his parents were married on the same day (pretty much simultaneously, on churches at opposite ends of the same block!). The most obvious, convenient solution is to throw them a party together. But they aren't friends, and our families are very different (partner's parents are extremely religious and quiet and serious and mine are extremely not religious, loud and love to dance and tell funny stories). So we just keep wondering how we'll handle it. Best case scenario their anniversary falls on a Sunday, so we throw a party for my (non-religious) parents actually on their anniversary, and for my partner's (Christian) parents the day before. Oy.