Article Link "How your family shapes your body image" [BBC Future]

[wendug]

Originally Posted by Erica H.

I honestly can't remember a time when my mom wasn't watching/controlling my body size/food/weight. She struggled with her own weight and wanted me to be thin. She made it clear to me that my self-worth was based on my size. We'd go on crash diets together when I was very young and then binge from the restriction. She told me that people would look down on me if I was heavy. She took me to Weight Watchers meetings when I was young, put me on Nutrisystem, rewarded me for weight loss, told me family members wouldn't accept me if I was heavy, etc. I look back at the few photos I have of myself as a kid and...I wasn't even fat. I wasn't super lean like the other girls, but I just had a different body type.

I was also called Orca (like the whale) instead of Erica. There were other things too that are too private for a public forum.

Erica

My mom was constantly on WW/Nutrisystem/some crash diet while growing up. Luckily she didn't take me to any meetings, but I was way too busy with all the different sports & activities I was involved with. She would encourage me to drink her nutrisystem shakes, though. My oldest brother was always overweight- went to fat camp out of state a couple of times. He would lose weight at camp, come home, and gain it right back. My mom hates to cook so would pick up fast food or heavily processed foods for us growing up. I'm not surprised my brother's weight loss from camp never stuck. I was very active as a kid, but also kinda chunky. My basketball coach in 6th grade called me out for being a great player, but said I would be even better if I lost weight. He did this in front of the entire team, which stung! Sorry the kids called you names. I was thunder thighs through high school. Having a big booty back then was NOT in style, but it is just my body type.

[Gams]

I ran into a friend once who asked me if I had gained weight. I said, “I don’t remember what my weight was when I last saw you.” He said, “Well, you look - bigger” and started laughing. His current wife weighs over 300 lbs. and I often wonder what kind of things he says to her.

[Erica H.]

Originally Posted by wendug

I was very active as a kid, but also kinda chunky. My basketball coach in 6th grade called me out for being a great player, but said I would be even better if I lost weight. He did this in front of the entire team, which stung! Sorry the kids called you names. I was thunder thighs through high school. Having a big booty back then was NOT in style, but it is just my body type.

That's great that you were so athletic! I was active, but not athletic at all. I'm sorry about your coach. So out of line.

It wasn't the kids who called me names, it was my parents. By the time I was in high school, I had full blown eating disorders and my weight fluctuated a lot so that was hard sometimes.

I was actually afraid of having kids - especially a daughter - because of all of the size/weight/food issues. I was afraid I would mess up my kids. I think having my sons first helped a lot. All of them have really healthy relationships with food and their bodies, which makes me very happy and relieved. My dd actually strives to become bigger with muscle mass. She works really hard for her muscles with exercise and nutrition and loves when people comment on how big she is. She's an ectomorph and I never thought she could get as muscular as she is now.

Erica

[wendug]

Originally Posted by Erica H.

It wasn't the kids who called me names, it was my parents. By the time I was in high school, I had full blown eating disorders and my weight fluctuated a lot so that was hard sometimes.

Erica

That is just awful! My parents weren't thin so they really only encouraged me to lose weight. My mom wanted me to look a certain way, though. She tried to get me to wear make-up before I was ever interested in it. She also wanted me to wear certain clothes and hairstyles. Boy was she in for a big shock when I became a punk rock kid! I will never forget my mom punishing me for doing something I wasn't supposed to (can't even remember what it was) by taking me to her hairdresser to cut my hair off. But I got my revenge by rockin' that short hairstyle!

[Erica H.]

Originally Posted by wendug

I will never forget my mom punishing me for doing something I wasn't supposed to (can't even remember what it was) by taking me to her hairdresser to cut my hair off. But I got my revenge by rockin' that short hairstyle!

That's great!

My mom was overweight and struggled with weight her whole life. She was a naturally big woman - tall and very big boned. My dad was naturally thin and always needed to put weight on. He had a physically demanding blue collar job, which didn't help.

Erica

[Leela]

as I grew up with fat shaming south asian family members I never said a damned thing to my kids and they both are women without fat shaming qualities.

My eldest Anjali scolded at me once for fat shaming myself. I apologized for wearing a two bikini top with my board shorts at our pool when I was at my heaviest a few years ago and she asked me why I thought I needed to apologize for my body.

I realize my own mother had done this to me - she lives with me and is ALWAYS commenting on my current weight loss with praise. I gave up on saying anything about it because she's nearly 90 and at this point it's just easier to repeat to myself that I am not my weight

[warriorprincess]

My Mom, younger sister, and older sisters are obese. I was the only one who never had any weight issues. I don't remember any rhetoric from family members, only the anguish my sisters obviously suffered. And still do, tbh.

[toaster]

I'm just seeing this thread for the first time (I probably missed it back when the "New Posts" feature wasn't working, haha).

Thanks hch for posting that article. Wow. I can so relate.

I'm 55 (56 next month), and although I'm very body accepting/welcoming of others and fairly so of myself (there is a difference! ), with respect to the latter in particular, old narratives die hard.

My mom - who I look a lot alike - has always been larger. I don't remember specific messages that she gave me about weight (although they may well have been there), but the older Italian ladies on her side of the family - ironically, all of whom were short and plump - made a lot of comments about not just my mom but the other women of her generations (ie, her cousins). As I got older - we're talking middle school, adolescence - I can recall my one great aunt saying things like "your fat a$$ is hanging out of those shorts!" These were comments to approximately a 12 year old of average size wearing those sports-type shorts that were popular in the early/mid-80s. One distinction is that my younger sister (-3) was very thin as a child, whereas I tended to have more weight in my lower body (aka "pear shape" although I know that hch and others don't like referring to the body as fruit ).

My father was also pretty appearance-focused. (He's gay, which might not make a difference, but I think it did - that's another culture with its own biases.) I'm pretty sure he made direct comments about "you need to lose weight" as well as comments about clothing I might wear that didn't look good on me. (My mother may have done the latter too, although I don't have as specific memories.)

The one other memory stands out is being in 7th grade - ironically, I think in Health class! - and having 2 boys across the room from me who I didn't know call me "thunder thighs" across the room. (I think those same 2 were also the ones who commented on my larger lips with a reference to Roots that I didn't even get a the time.)

The article sums it up in this line: "body shame is taught." The whole reason I started exercising in my room in high school was related to all of the above - certainly not for health reasons! (I remember a paperback book I had called something like Your 14-Day Weight Loss Plan.) Despite all of that, I consider myself one of the lucky ones. My interest in exercise developed from trying to lose weight to realizing it was something I could do that made me feel more athletic and strong (which I never felt in gym class!). And it lead me to VF and other types of movement that went beyond appearance and weight, particularly yoga. (I know the issue of appearance and yoga is still present - that's another discussion, and appearance-related goals are NOT the focus of my own yoga practice.)

Originally Posted by wendug

I was thunder thighs through high school. Having a big booty back then was NOT in style, but it is just my body type.

Wendy, exactly! It was specifically about aspects of body shape that were not seen as attractive (same with my full lips, which I have definitely grown to appreciate).

Originally Posted by Gams

When I was little, I remember my grandma telling me I was “pleasantly plump”.

Oh yeah, I got this one too. Definitely a bit less hurtful but still something that contributed to feelings of wrongness and shame.

Originally Posted by Leela

as I grew up with fat shaming south asian family members I never said a damned thing to my kids and they both are women without fat shaming qualities.

Leela, I mentioned my mom's family being Italian because I do believe there were cultural factors - as I said, it's ironic, because it was pretty accepted that older Italian ladies might be soft and plump! (And those are actually characteristics of my own grandmother that I remember fondly - she felt cozy and safe.) Good for you that you recognized the biases and tried to avoid them with your own children. And I love the name Anjali!

Originally Posted by Erica H.

It wasn't the kids who called me names, it was my parents. By the time I was in high school, I had full blown eating disorders and my weight fluctuated a lot so that was hard sometimes.

Erica, I know that you've struggled, and I'm sorry to hear your parents played a role in this.

For all of us, I'm sorry this happened to us. (((hugs))) May we all find the path to greater self-acceptance.

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by Gams

I went to a wedding once and saw a woman sitting near me wearing a corsage. I didn’t recognize her and asked someone if she was related to the bride or groom. I was told, “That’s the bride’s sister. She was supposed to be the maid of honor, but she didn’t lose the weight the bride asked her to, so the bride got someone else to be maid of honor.”

Oh, that is just horrible!

[Vintage VFer]

Recent threads about body image and fitness made me remember back in my grade school days (1960's) there was a thing called "The President's Council on Fitness." We had to do fitness tests.

The Origins of the Presidential Fitness Test

I remember it somewhat fondly, but for others, not so much.

In reading that article and other articles, some kids were traumatized for life by having to do the tests in front of their peers. Plus, some gym teachers making snide comments didn't help.