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08-05-21, 12:43 PM | |
VF Supporter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Brooklyn, NY
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I am so sorry that people you love and count on are behaving so badly. If they can't make it and know that already, they can say "I'm so sorry I won't be there, I'll be there in spirit, how about if I...[write something for you to read, send you a photo collage, remember your husband in my own way that day by XYZ, whatever]." But to blithely dismiss the date with those sorts of excuses is tone deaf and hurtful.
People are weird about grief. In their minds your husband's passing, which is ever present for you, is in the past for them and they're thinking more about themselves and their lives. Or that's the only reason I can come up with for this behavior. Many years ago, DH's aunt blew off a family memorial service and actually TOLD THE GRIEVING WIDOWER that she couldn't come because she was doing a wine appreciation course and the service conflicted with Session #5 of 6. Unbelievable.
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Allison |
08-05-21, 12:45 PM | |
VF Supporter
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Colorado Springs
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Sherry,
I am so sorry! I do know that when I was working I had no grief leave, and had to use vacation time if I had to travel to a funeral. I only got 10 days vacation time so it was a hard decision. When I lost my Mom, the funeral director gave me a note to present to my employer to prove I really did travel to attend her funeral.
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"The two most powerful warriors are patience and time." Leo Tolstoy |
08-05-21, 01:11 PM | ||
VF Supporter
Join Date: Nov 2001
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Quote:
I have learned through these experiences who my real friends are. I often forgive, but don’t forget, the disappointing actions of people. I know who they are, and don’t expect much. I’ve told a few of the people who disappointed me about how I felt, but the people always defended why they weren’t there to support me. One former friend was appalled that I would be hurt by her not showing up for me. That friendship ended. In the end, your event will be filled with those who truly want to be there. |
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08-05-21, 02:13 PM | |
VF Supporter
Join Date: Sep 2010
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Sherry, I understand why you are hurt. I'm so sorry those people let you down--that's rotten. I'm hoping they will change their minds before March. I think I'd tell Frank's cousin that Frank wanted her to speak at his celebration if he died. I'm sending you lots of hugs and love!
Stephanie, I was really close to my mom and it was difficult for me after she died. She died 5 years ago and I still miss her terribly. I'm sending you hugs too! |
08-05-21, 03:26 PM | |
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada
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Sherry, I am so sorry to hear your DH passed away, I had no idea, my sincere condolences to you and your whole family. (((Hugs)))) Your frustration is understandable, I hope at the end, the people that count the most for you will be able to share that moment with you and your DS.
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08-05-21, 03:34 PM | |
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Central Mass
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I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, I'm not surprised. When my father died, I learned the hard way how self centered people can be. I even had one "friend" get mad at me because I didn't want to go with her to a club on the day we buried him.
Be disappointed, vent, cry, yell. Then in March, enjoy the memories of your wonderful, loving husband who left this earth too soon with those who can come. I'm sorry for your loss. Lorrie |
08-05-21, 04:06 PM | |
VF Supporter
Join Date: Oct 2006
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Sherry, I'm so sorry about how hurt and angry you are about this situation. Often it seems that people's responses are about them and their needs and not about you or Frank. Some may not even realize how thoughtless and cruel they are in what they do (or in this case, not do). I'm not saying that excuses them, and I don't think it does. To me true kindness is putting someone else's needs above one's own comfort and you need them to be present for you and it must hurt that they can't or won't do that. So many here have expressed themselves so well and I am struggling. I'm just sorry for your pain. Sending many {{hugs}}.
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How fierce will you be today? VFer KateTT Watula, Cheeto, Charli, Lux, Merlin, Rudy, Finley the Cat, Hobbes, Winston, and Finley the Dog Fan Girl! Word of 2024: Patience |
08-05-21, 04:33 PM | |
VF Supporter
Join Date: Jul 2008
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Sending more hugs to you, Sherry. I'm glad you can at least vent here! fanofladyvols always knows exactly what to say and I'm sure she's right -- from what you've mentioned, it seems to me that Frank would not want you to sweat this..... (and yet I know it's impossible not to!).
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