OT - would appreciate your input on a holiday issue

[Swissmom]

Originally Posted by alisoncooks

In my kindest, gentlest voice:
Please read this: http://forum.videofitness.com/showthread.php?t=204484

And (5 years later) what advice would you give to her...?

Wow, all that advice that was given in the previous thread! People really took their time to write their responses.

[bubbles76]

Originally Posted by Swissmom

Wow, all that advice that was given in the previous thread! People really took their time to write their responses.

Yes, this is a very caring community

[Swissmom]

Originally Posted by bubbles76

Yes, this is a very caring community

For sure. Lots of input. Tons of thoughtful advice.

[Pam]

I also want to encourage you talk to a counselor, preferably one that has experience with abusive relationships.

My DD had an abusive BF and going to a counselor at the local Safe House was the best thing she ever did. She gained a lot of insight into her feelings and she was very empowered to make the choices that were right for her. Probably every area of the country has similar counseling available, but you have to make the call.

[Jennifer R]

Especially after reading the 5 years ago thread--run don't walk. You might feel that you have a lot invested in this relationship but it will not ever get any better. I speak from experience.

As painful as it might seem, you will be much better off calling off the engagement and walking away. I can't even imagine being in an engagement where I would voice the words "I would never marry him".

Again--you might feel the devil you know is easier than going out into the unfamiliar world, but you will ultimately be much better off out of this relationship.

ETA--lest you think I'm a bitter woman who is down on men, I just celebrated my 36th anniversary with a wonderful man who is my equal and partner. We've been together longer for 40 years and been through many ups and downs. You don't have to put up with an abusive relationship just because someone paid attention to you when you were down.

[topfitmama]

Gams,
I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
It may seem wrong or cruel to walk away, but sometimes it's more loving to walk away and let a person deal with their issues sooner rather than later. The longer you enable his behavior, the longer it's going to take him to realize (if he ever does), that he needs to seek help. You are standing in the way of him seeking help. You and anyone who enables his behavior.
Enablers stay, hoping against hope that one day things will change. But they don't. They don't help anyone and they end up destroying themselves in the process.

As for the lying, you can't build a relationship on lies. Your relationship is an illusion that will keep hurting you over and over again.

I'm sorry this is so bleak, but I believe it's the truth.

[Scorpio6]

Gams:
OMG that lying thing and the passive-aggressiveness -- this is exactly what my ex-husband did, that was him exactly -- and you know what? He ended up being not just emotionally abusive, but also physically abusive as well as unfaithful, and I physically risked my life to divorce him. Please, please, don't let this relationship go any farther. It will only get worse. Hugs and prayers that you have the courage to walk and that you will stay safe.

[Lucky Star]

Gams, I'm so sad to know what you're (still) going through. As you yourself know, this is NOT a healthy relationship. You say you've been engaged for the past 2 years but will never marry him. I assume he doesn't realize that, or does he?

I'm going to repeat what I wrote in that 5yr old thread:

In your heart, soul and mind you know what you have to do and why. (((Big hugs)))

Take care of yourself!!

[BunnyHop]

Gams, I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this.

Reading the reply I made in the older thread was a bit of a surprise, because I'm definitely still dealing with the same issues. The more things change, the more they stay the same, right? (FWIW, my sleep/nightmare/insomnia issues are much better now. Frustratingly I think some of my issues are hormone related.)

I do think that it's easier sometimes to give advice, than to accept it.

As one who's currently trying to find their way alone after having been an unpaid caregiver to a difficult parent, I'm not sure I have any wise or brave advice to offer that you haven't heard before.

How to break away from dependence on an unhealthy relationship? How to get moving toward a new existence that's not dependent on old patterns of behavior?

I'm definitely no expert, but will say that counseling has been a help for me.

Remembering times when I've felt competent and strong and trying to model those behaviors in the present moment is a big help. Remembering specific moments is helpful.

Living life as if I were already the person I want to become.

What sort of support system do you have outside the relationship?

I'm currently recovering my strength after my father's death, and have established some new relationships with people who seem kind and compassionate. Stable and thoughtful. Nurturing those relationships has become my new priority. Thinking about how those people would live through the same situation and how I might learn from their example has also been helpful. We're definitely still in the 'friendly acquaintances from church' stage, but these are people I want to know, so I feel as though I'm on the right track. Baby steps, right?

[tytbody]

I just read the previous thread also.
I'm sad you can't move now.
it's been 5 years and his behavior has not changed. You need to close this book and get another one.
There is no working on this. 5 years and here he's still not helping you live a content life. You have to change the circumstances. You have to save your money and run to help.
There are agencies that help women as they make the transition.
You most of all, have to love YOURSELF. You do not think you deserve better. So you ALLOW this type of behavior from him.
Seek God, Seek a saftey place, even if it is your place. realize you can't fix anyone, you are the one who has to change the picture. Either get out or live with it.. There no middle places to be. Help you. then if you want you can give help to him, but you gotta take care of you. You are loved, you are worthy of love but this is not how you get love.

Yes, it's terribly scarry out here, being single but a lot of singltons are doing okay. not everyone is marriage material. You can have fun going places, and dancing and singing but with someone who is for your greater good. Love wishes the best for another.

If your insurance will help, search out a woman counselor to help you make the needed steps to open another chapter in your book.. Your story is not over yet. I hope you see the lesson so you won't have to repeat it.